Dear Sirs:
I am writing to you for further instructions as to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.I have my duck taped....now what?
Sincerely,
John Q. Citizen
Cute Jokes Passed Along
Page 1
3-year-old, Reese:"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is
His name." " Amen"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a
real good time like I am."
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if
anyone could tell her
what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said
he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with
you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after
me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go
solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
..and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way
to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed
to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake,
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the
first
pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said,"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when his
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to
the shore, where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked "He died and
went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment
and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and
moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her
do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is
a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move
back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm
staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot
says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak
blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, "
and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make
her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to London."
Men are like...
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep
you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are
usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the
rest are handicapped.
To: Dept. of Homeland Security
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to you for further
instructions as to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family
from possible attacks by terrorists.I have my duck taped....now what?
Sincerely,
John Q. Citizen
Message TO THE U. N. Inspectors
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who
Have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does
anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?
I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
Quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offenders eyes quicker than a
homicide detective.
So, considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help
Him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.
Inspectors my eye! - You want the job done? Just give the mothers a opportunity to be on the "U. N. Inspection Team."
Becky Sarni
University of Maryland
Aerospace Engineering
