Cute Jokes Passed Along

Page 2


Table of Contents

  1. Inner Peace
  2. Sex Frogs! $20 Each
  3. Virus Alert
  4. Great Quotes By Great Ladies
  5. Why Women Are Cranky
  6. Funny Stories

Inner Peace

Back to Top


Sex Frogs! Only $20 Each


A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions.)

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man  packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as  she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions  and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there."

 She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him  in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into  its
eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

 

Back to Top

Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is
pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.


It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-800 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL of your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING???

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.


It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.


Send this warning to everyone. If you are a blonde, this is a joke.

 

Back to Top

Great Quotes By Great Ladies

 

I refuse to think of them as chin  hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Inside every older person is a younger  person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things are going to get a lot worse  before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
>++++++++++++++++++++++++
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
>++++++++++++++++++++++++
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the
top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
>++++++++++++++++++++++++
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

Back to Top

Why Women Are Cranky


 

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.
 
Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
 
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
 
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
 
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John..

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
 
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the
OB says, "Please stop screaming,
Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed
10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
 
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
 
The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while
hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
 
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
 
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.
 
 

 

Back to Top

Funny Stories
 

Ever Want to Curl Up and Die?

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

----------------------- > > Pad, please!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

 ----------------------- > > Ho, Ho, Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld (go figure)

-------------------- > > Lady Golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

-------------------- > > Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

------------------------- > > Na-na na-na na-nah!

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice Just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

-------------------------- > > Priceless

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov >

 ----------------------- Ask a child the same question too many times...

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

----------------------This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Back to Top